Common Love Languages for Your Children

Welcome to Spring, my least favorite time of the year. Everything is cold, dreary and warmth seems very far away.  If you’ve ever been tasked with creating regular content, like a blog, you may occasionally have run out of ideas. When I first started the blog, I wrote about what I knew well, and then transitioned into things I could research, relying on some of my existing knowledge. This month, I have struggled to come up with a valid topic.  Luckily, I have some awesome teammates, who suggested I discuss love languages for children. I’m not familiar with the love languages, so I researched them as explained by their creator, Dr Gary Chapman.

The five love languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

Being the parent of a pre-teen, I quickly identified what I thought would be the most important language for my child – Quality Time. It seemed an easy choice, and I initially assumed it would be the same for most children. My kid often doesn’t want to be hugged, doesn’t accept compliments very well, takes gifts for granted (only child) and Acts of Service are pretty much compulsory on a daily basis.

Upon closer inspection, that is not necessarily the case. What are the languages and how are they applied?

• Words of Affirmation – Verbal compliments and praise. With children, praise is accepted more readily when it is specific. Instead of saying “I love your painting!” say, “I like what you did with the red in this part of your picture. How’d you do that?” Instead of saying, “You’re such a pretty girl,” say, “Your tight curls are one thing that really makes you stand out. I love them!”
• Gifts – Presents or use of time, such as attending an event for them. To a child, it may be a gift if you go to their soccer game or watch their play. It also could be a small piece of candy you pick up when you’re at the store. It’s most effective when it’s something important to them rather than relying on something big or expensive.
• Acts of Service – Doing something helpful or kind. A kid might appreciate help with homework, tucking them in at night or transporting them to a friend’s house to play.
• Quality Time – Shared experiences or undivided attention. This certainly could be something like taking your kid to Disneyland, but it could also be a hike, swimming in the pool with them or watching them play a video game.
• Physical Touch – A hug, cuddle or other physical act of physical affection. Certainly high-fiving your kid at the end of a soccer game might qualify, but so could sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on the couch.  Some ages tolerate this more than others.

As I mentioned, I’m not very familiar with love languages, and I sort of assumed that quality time is the most important. In talking with my coworker, Jess, who suggested the topic and has utilized love languages for years, I described what I’d discovered.

Chas: Hey Jess. This seems pretty easy. All kids value quality time more than anything, right?

Jess: Well, not exactly. Kids, just like adults, have their own preferred way of feeling and interpreting love. They develop these preferences through experiences and feedback from others.

Chas: Why would you want to demonstrate a love language that isn’t yours or your kid’s preferred love language?

Jess: I think it’s important for kids to experience all 5 love languages. First, then they know what it feels like to be loved in each of the ways. Also, as they grow and mature, it’s common for their preferred language to change. Plus, if you experience all the languages, you will find it easier to communicate to another person in their preferred language.

Chas: What would you say is the easiest way to discover a child’s love language?

Jess: When you utilize languages with your child, you can see them “Light up” with certain ones. Both of my children valued physical touch at an early age.  However, now that I’m a parent of a teen, her love language is sometimes difficult to identify and can be labile. Gifts and Acts of Service both resonate with her.  She wants me to be at every sporting event (acts of service) but she also enjoys it when I get her something special to show I was thinking of her.

Chas: That makes sense. Babies can’t really process gifts or acts of service. It almost sounds like each of us utilize different love languages at different points in our lives. Depending on the time and situation, a different love language might have a different effect.

Jess: For sure! Just because you may have a preferred love language which you digest most easily, any love language from a parent to a child can have impact. As parents, we also need to remember we must step outside our own comfort zone and not depend on a single love language for our children. We need to demonstrate all types of love to help fit the age, time, moment or changing desires of our kiddos.

Jess: When I was first introduced to love languages, it had a profound effect on me. It just made sense to me, and I was talking about it to anyone around me.  Funny story – physical touch is not my love language and my daughter used to sit very close to me, almost on top of me. I would scoot away because I like my space. I kept scooting and finally said “physical touch is not my love language,” to which she replied, “Well, it’s mine. Don’t you love me?”

Chas: Ha! Our kids can certainly set us straight sometimes. I hear your passion about this subject, and it’s quite infectious. I see a lot of validity and applications for it across all different types of situations.

Jess: Oh yeah. There are different teachings and interpretations on the love languages – relationships, work, kids, military, etc.  I would encourage everyone to explore Dr. Chapman’s research and writings and see how this could apply to their lives.

Chas: I’m not even sure which love language I am. I think I appreciate all types of love, but it is probably words of affirmation.

Jess: Usually, one of the easiest ways to discover your love language is thinking about how you most often show love for others. People tend to default to expressing the love language they most gravitate to. It’s important to notice how someone expresses love, not just how they receive it.

Chas: I feel like different languages could be more appropriate for different individuals. I know I enjoy when my son hugs me, but if he took out the trash just once, I would probably need medical attention.

Jess: *laughing* Yes!  That is exactly right. Novel experiences with other languages can have a more profound impact. You might cook meals every night of the week as an act of service that goes largely unnoticed. But, if you stepped out from your routine and cleaned the toilet, it could actually transmit more love to someone looking for acts of service.

After our conversation, I did a little more research on Dr. Chapman’s ideas and they really seems to tie directly with a lot of therapeutic approaches. I admit, I initially thought the love languages idea was sort of a pop psychology idea and didn’t hold much merit. However, now, I think it can be an important technique to fostering communication in any relationship.

No single therapeutic approach works for every person, especially when dealing with kids.  Often, many different techniques, settings or combinations of activities are needed to help a child who is struggling. At Lincoln Prairie Behavioral Health Center, we apply as many different styles as are feasible.  We have traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) as well as dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT). We have recreational therapy, equine therapy, music therapy and facets of many other disciplines such as art therapy and play therapy.

Learning which language a person uses to communicate is essential in identifying what is important to that person. Learning which love languages work for our kids is important because it unlocks deeper understanding of how they view relationships and what kind of support works best for them. A theme in my blog is acceptance and consideration.  When working with children, taking the time to meet them at their own level can have a drastic impact on how effective clinical and therapeutic interventions can be.

Thanks to Jessica Palazzolo for assisting me with this blog. She handles most of southern Illinois from St. Louis south. I’m privileged to have an awesome team with people like Jess who all have a passion for helping kids challenged by mental health issues.

Jess is the Southern Territory Manager for LPBHC. She lives in Southern IL with her husband and their two kids, a 16-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son. You can find her “soccer mommin” many times throughout the year and she wouldn’t have it any other way. She has led multiple small groups on the 5 Love Languages and would be more than happy to talk about it to anyone and everyone who will listen! 😉

Chas Swearingen is a community liaison for Lincoln Prairie Behavioral Health Center. He obtained his Master’s in Clinical Psychology from the University of Illinois- Springfield and has worked exclusively in the mental health field for the last 12 years. His current love language is the end of February. He lives in Carlinville, IL with his wife, their sons, a big brown dog and a cat – both of whom prefer “mom.”