February was Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (TDVAM), but it is always a good idea to be aware and know what to do if you suspect teen dating violence.

Abuse during dating may be more common than you think. Whether the abuse is sexual in nature, or a component of physical violence, recent data shows that only 33% of teens ever tell anyone about the abuse.  This doesn’t mean reporting the abuse—this means mentioning it at all!

Furthermore, 81% of parents don’t believe that teen dating abuse is an issue. Combine this with the fact that in the US, one in three teens will experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse from someone they’re in a relationship with before they become an adult, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Some components of teen dating violence include

• Using insults, intimidation or humiliation
• Isolation from friends/family or discontinuing social behavior
• Any unwanted contact of a sexual nature
• Undue jealousy, insecurity or controlling behavior
• Stalking, constantly monitoring social media or invasion of privacy
• Threats or evidence of physical violence such as bruising
• Abuse of substances
• Change in mood or explosive temper
• Grabbing or physically blocking someone

Each of these signs is a warning that dating violence may be present. As with many things, the best prevention is education. As a parent, professional or anyone who works with teens, it is important that you recognize what unhealthy behavior is from either side. The next step is to discuss these things with your teen so you can have an open, honest conversation about what is proper treatment in relationships.

If abuse of any kind occurs, it is important that the teen talk to a trusted adult immediately. That trusted, teacher, parent, counselor or other leader should then refer the teen for services.

Similarly, if an adult notices any of the signs of abuse, they should ask the teen about it in a calm, private manner. If this is not feasible, then the adult should contact the teens parent or guardian to express your concerns. If you suspect sexual assault or abuse, you must speak with law enforcement or child protective services on whether you can “prove” the suspicions or not.

There are myriad resources to help victims of abuse, both locally and nationally. I was able to sit down with a few experts who help sexual assault victims.

Erin Domonousky and Amy Joy both work for Prairie Center Against Sexual Assault (PCASA), who have local offices in Springfield, Taylorville and Jacksonville and cover 11 counties in Illinois.

Q1: “Has violence in dating increased in the last five years?”

AJ/ED: “Yes!”

AJ: “RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) has many stats that show an increase.”

ED: “It also feels like it is becoming more acceptable to come forward, so more people are reporting.”

Q2: “What should a victim of sexual assault do and how soon?”

ED: “A victim should go to the hospital immediately. This will allow them to be evaluated and a rape kit can be done if desired. A person does not have to report to the police to do this.”

Q3: “What if the person doesn’t want to go to hospital or it isn’t a situation where physical violence was severe but they still feel assaulted”?

AJ: “Call the PCASA hotline (217-753-8081). If they are outside our service area, we can refer them to help anywhere in the state.”

ED: “They should contact us. In that situation they lose all control and we give them that power back.”

Q4: “If someone is assaulted, what is the most important thing you want them to know?”

ED: “Victims don’t realize how the brain works. They may think that they should have fought back or run away, and afterwards, they may carry guilt because they didn’t react this way. However, the brain, especially the undeveloped brain of a teen, doesn’t work that way, and often they freeze up or comply because they are just terrified.”

AJ: “Remember that:

• They are not alone
• There is help out there
• It is not your fault”

Q5: “What kind of prevention or other information would you like to share?”

AJ: “Be aware. Listen to your gut. If it feels wrong, better safe than sorry.”

ED: “Consent yesterday does not equate to consent today. You can still be assaulted by your husband, boyfriend, etc. even if you consented in the past.”

AJ: “The legal age of consent in IL is 17 unless it is by an authority figure, then consent age is 18.”

If you have any questions or needs, don’t hesitate to reach out to PCASA or other organization. There are hotlines and help lines and a wealth of information one can reach on the internet.

If you are a parent or someone who works with teens, please keep yourself educated to help protect them. Historically in the US, a lot of attitudes downplay abuse, or even protect the perpetrator.

Often the system can be harder on the victim than the perpetrator and this is a major reason why people have traditionally not come forward to report an incident. A lot of times, a teen may not even be aware they have been assaulted, whether due to familial or societal beliefs that normalize certain behaviors. As adults, professionals and parents, we need to work harder at educating all teens on what healthy relationships look like and give teens the ability to stand up for themselves.

Chas Swearingen is a community liaison for Lincoln Prairie Behavioral Health Center. He obtained his Master’s in Clinical Psychology from the University of Illinois- Springfield and has worked exclusively in the mental health field for the last 11 years. He’s impatiently awaiting the end of cold. He lives in Carlinville, IL with his wife, their sons, a big brown dog and a cat which adopted them.